


Secrets Are Hard To Keep

by StraySkz



Series: Dongpyo Centric [2]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Dongpyo Centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fighting, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, a lot of crying, a tiny bit of homophobia, back again with another sad baby fic, but it's mostly misunderstanding, if ur into that, seungwoo is a dad, there's a groupchat part also, who just wants to be there for his son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-13 19:50:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20588135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StraySkz/pseuds/StraySkz
Summary: The fear of someone finding out he's gay weighs Dongpyo down everywhere he goes. And sometimes, it's too much to deal with, especially when he's afraid to let anyone in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Someone please show me how to write a good summary they will be the death of me. Also try to guess who's who in the groupchat part! (but also it's kind of obvious)

“Come back with us, you have the choreography down, you really don’t need to practice more,” Seungyoun moves to wrap his arm around Dongpyo only for him to dodge with the pretense of picking up his water bottle.

“I don’t feel like I do though. I’ll only stay for a few more run troughs; I’ll be back before anyone even goes to sleep. If I go back now I’ll just be waiting for Yohan-hyung to take a shower anyway.”

Hangyul comes up next to them, pulling his bag over his shoulder as he nears, “Do you want me to stay with you? I can see if there's anything I can help with?”

“Thanks hyung, but I really want to do it by myself,” he rushes to explain after seeing the look on Hangyul’s face, “I think I just need to focus only on me without any distractions you know?”

The older members meet eyes for a few seconds before Seungyoun is sighing and giving in to the small boy, “Okay, but if you're not back in like an hour we’re going to send Seungwoo hyung to drag you to the dorms,” with those finals words and a second of hair ruffling, they left, leaving Dongpyo alone.

He sits down and allows himself a few minutes of rest before starting to practice again, leaning against the mirrored wall and closing his eyes. It was so hard to get any time to himself, to just sit and think and try to process everything that was happening around him.

He blinks away the tears and stands up, walking over to the speakers and putting Flash on repeat, he had stayed back mainly just so he could get some time to himself but he wasn’t about to waste his time. So he practices, and practices hard, until he’s once again dripping in sweat and has to stop to chug another bottle of water. He lets himself take another break and unplugs his phone from the speakers, seeing that he’s missed a bunch messages from the member groupchat.

**Seungwoo-hyung’s Fan clubTM**

_Yoooo_ someone bring me food

my foot hurts too much to walk down

_MinhEhE_ u liar ur just lazy

_Crybaby_ I got it hyung! What do you want?

I have some chicken left from when I ordered some earlier!

Or do you want me to make you some ramen???

_Yoooo_ I'm so glad I have you

at least one person ACTUALLY cares about me

Also chicken plz

_Chacha_ @Crybaby why r u so cute

_Pirki_ ^^^

_Yoooo_ Ur so cute u make me want to smooch

_Crybaby_ don’t be gross hyung!!!!

_Yoooo_ yah~~~~ you know I'm kidding

I would never actually want to smooch you

_LeaderTM_ Your ankle hurts again?

Do you need me to bring you more of your pain medicine?

There were more messages that followed but Dongpyo couldn’t bring himself to read them, only able to focus on the message Hyeongjun had sent, _don’t be gross_. He tosses his phone away and lays spread eagled on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Debuting was nowhere near as glamorous as Dongpyo thought it would be. It wasn’t just finally getting to perform in front of fans it was waking up at 4 a.m. to get ready to go get their makeup and hair done, it was less time to practice. But most of all, to Dongpyo it was more fear.

Fear that someone would find out his secret. What if there was someone who could tell with just one look at he liked boys? What if it ruined his whole life? If it got out it wouldn’t just ruin his life but his members too, and he cared too much to ever let that happen. And his family would know, a single fact that could take his parents love for him and destroy it. He could never let anyone find out, no one could ever accept this, not in their culture.

He had worked so hard to get where he was and this was still holding him back. He thought he had managed to forget about it, convinced himself he only liked girls. But living with 100 other boys in one dorm where half of them walked around shirtless 2/3 of the time proved him wrong. That was when the real fear had set in, he had always been able to ignore it, he would go home and pretend there was never a boy he’d found cute. He would talk to his parents about the girls he met at dance class and exaggerate what he thought about them, convincing them and sometimes himself that he had crushes on them, as if he was normal. As if they had no reason to be ashamed of their son.

He always worried that his family or friends would somehow find out, and the possibility of his every move being televised terrified him. How was he supposed to navigate this? He had to be close with the others but not too close. Never close enough that someone might think they were too close. He was terrified every moment he interacted with another member, could they tell? Could the people watching at home tell? Did he have some kind of sign on his back that he didn’t know about yet that read “Boys only!”?

At first he tried not to get too close to the others, keep them at arms length; maybe if they never got close they would never be able to tell. But then he’d met the boys who ended up being his members, he’d met Seungwoo, and there was no way not to get close to them, especially once they had debuted.

His hyungs were so caring of him and the other babies, always ready to listen to problems and comfort when they were stressed. It seemed like everyone but he himself had shared parts of themselves, opened up to the group about their worries, allowed everyone to be there for them. He’d confided in them when he felt his dance was lacking but it felt so superficial compared to this. He’d never trusted the way he trusted them, they were so accepting and caring about everything else that had happened. They had never once ignored or dismissed a member’s worry, responding with only support and comfort.

_Don’t be gross hyung!!!_

Hyeongjun’s messaged flashed back in his mind and with it came tears. His fear won this time, he couldn’t tell them this. What if they hated him? What if they were ashamed to have him? What if they were disgusted by him?

The thought of the boys he’d come to see as brothers hating him and the horrible things they could say, could think, could do, circle his head through a never ends revolving door. But just this once he lets himself cry, the last few weeks since the end of the show had taken their toll.

He lays there, tears falling, staining his cheeks for who knows how long until he’s interrupted by the sound of the door opening and a horrified gasp.

“Why are you crying? What happened? Are you hurt?” Seungwoo’s voice cuts through the silence of the room as he runs towards Dongpyo.

“No hyung, nothing happened, I'm fine,” the dancer stands and aggressively wipes away his tears as he moves to pick up his phone from where he’d thrown it earlier.

“I don’t think crying is fine,” Seungwoo comes father into the room, “What’s going on baby?”

“Don’t call me baby! And can we please not talk about this right now,” he starts to shove things into his bag, refusing to make eye contact and willing his tears to stop.

“Why are you so on edge? What’s going on with you?”

Dongpyo’s frustration and stress at himself build in his chest, he really can’t do this right now, “I already told you, there's nothing.”

“How long do you want to put off talking about your feelings? We’ve all shared our worries before, you and me especially; why wont you let me be there for you? Obviously you're upset right now but ever since the show ended you won’t talk to me. You told me everything while we were on the show.”

“Well we’re not on the show anymore now are we?“ Dongpyo’s voice was getting louder with every word.

“That doesn’t mean anything, I want to be there for you! I know how stressful debut is, I've been through it before and you're even younger than I was when-” Seungwoo’s hand comes up try and rest on the small boy’s shoulder to get him to look at him only for the younger to slap it away.

“I know that you already debuted before but what does that matter when you failed? Huh? You needed to go on a show to save your old group, our situations are so different and there’s not even anything to talk about. And if there was I wouldn’t want to talk about them with you!”

The leader looks at his dongsaeng incredulously, “Stop! Why are you saying these things? I know you don’t mean them. Do you think that I'm so immature that I would forget why this argument is happening right now? Why don’t you trust me enough to tell me what’s going on?”

Dongpyo still can’t bring himself to look at his leader, “I was just acting, it was all for show I never trusted you in the first place! So leave me the fuck alone.” He storms out of the room, holding back his tears and taking heaving breathes that did nothing to calm his rushing mind.

He runs back to the dorm and doesn’t stop running until he reaches his room, ignoring the nine members sitting on the couch, probably watching a drama or movie, who call out to him as he slams the door behind him and throws himself onto his bed. He doesn’t bother to turn on the lights or change or shower, he can't believe he did that.

Why would he say those things to Seungwoo? How could he? Not a single one of them was true, he’d never trusted anyone as much as he’d trusted Seungwoo and as much as that scared him it also calmed him. Whenever he was stressed during the show, the fear of being eliminated haunting and weighing him down the same way his secret did, he knew he always had someone there for him.

But maybe not anymore. He’d probably ruined that now. Ruined the best friendship he’d ever managed to make. Just as tears started to roll down his cheeks again and sobs threatened to escape his chest the door squeaked open.

“Dongpyo,” it was Seungwoo’s voice, he must have been right behind him the whole way home.

Dongpyo curls into himself tighter and pulls his blanket over his head. He can't deal with this now; he can't even look at his hyung after what he’d said.

“I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that everything you said earlier was a lie and that you're still trying to distract me from what you were upset about earlier… but if you're willing to go this far as to say these things to avoid talking about something then I’ll back off. But when you're ready I’ll still be here,”

Dongpyo lets out an audible long shaky breathe but doesn’t respond, he can’t. He presses his face into his pillow, making sure no other sounds can escape him and hint to his hyung that he was crying again.

After a minute of silence Seungwoo sighs, realizing he's not going to get anywhere that night, “Goodnight Dongpyo… I love you.”

The words are followed by the soft sound of the door opening and closing, clicking closed. And it’s only then that Dongpyo lets his tears start to fall. Can he trust what his leader is saying?


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been a week since the father son duo fought. A week of Dongpyo doing everything in his power to avoid even looking at Seungwoo and it’s putting too much strain on his already stressed psyche. The other members had noticed from the very first day that something was off between the two of them, but no one had said anything because Seungwoo was supposed to be the problem solver, the leader. But Seungyoun couldn’t help trying to figure it out, he’d asked their leader that morning what had happened and if he wanted to talk about it only to be brushed off and told, “That’s for Dongpyo and I to work out, I'm not sure bringing more people into it would make it better.”

But the all rounder couldn’t get it out of his head that if they kept going like this the tension in the dorm would end in some kind of explosion. His theory was almost proven right during practice. Dongpyo had been unfocused and sloppy for most of the practice (probably because of the strain the last week had put on him), which ended with him tripping and landing hard on the floor. Seungwoo immediately rushes over to him and is looking him over, “Are you okay? Did you hurt anything?”

When Dongpyo looks up at his leader he expects to see anger or annoyance but when their eyes meet, he sees only worry and care. He’d been so mean to Seungwoo and he still cared about him, he didn’t deserve it. A wave of shame crashes over him and before he or anyone else can register it, he’s jumping to his feel running out of the room, trying to muffle the sounds of his sudden tears.

He runs into the room next door, usually used for vocal lessons, and leans against the wall, sliding down and he tries to stop his crying. Why did he have to be so dramatic? He was just giving them all more reasons to hate him.

A gentle knock on the door interrupts him and his voice is strained when he answers the sound, “Please go away, I’ll go back to practice in a few just give me a minute.”

The door opens anyway, revealing Seungyoun who comes in and closes the door behind him, “Are you okay? Did you hurt anything when you feel?”

Dongpyo hurriedly wipes way his tears, “I’m okay Seungyoun hyung, I didn’t hurt myself or anything.”

The older of the two sinks down to sit next to Dongpyo, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what you mean hyung, there's nothing to talk about.”

“Well for starters why have you been avoiding Seungwoo-hyung? You’ve barely even looked at him since last week,” Seungyoun arm snaked around Dongpyo’s narrow shoulders and pulled him into his side.

Maybe it’s the exhaustion sitting heavy in his bones, maybe it was because he didn’t have to actually look at his hyung when he was talking, maybe it was the stress or maybe the small boy just didn’t have it in him to fight anymore, “We got into an argument… and it was my fault.”

“Okay,” the older’s voice is cautious, “It must have been a really bad one for you to be acting like this. What was the argument about?”

Dongpyo’s voice was shaking, tears growing near yet again, “He wanted to be there for me but I didn’t want to talk about it and he kept pushing so I yelled at him and I-” a sob escapes, “I said such mean things to him and I didn’t mean any of them I swear. But I can't take it back and he said he loves me but I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t say that there's nothing you could ever do to make you unworthy of love” the pair is interrupted by the sound of the door creaking open, the older’s head snaps to look and the younger to shrink as small as possible.

The new arrival, Seungwoo, motions for Seungyoun to let him take over and sits down with the small boy who immediately launches himself onto the older, basically straddling him and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

“I didn’t mean anything that I said that day. There is something wrong but there’s nothing you can do about it, so I didn’t want to talk about it. And I said all those horrible things to you, and I was so mean, and I couldn’t even look at you the whole week. And it must have hurt your feelings so much but it was just because I was so ashamed of what I did. I promise that I didn’t mean it. I love you so much please forgive me please I won’t ever be like that again.”

The leader runs his hands through Dongpyo’s damp hair, “Hey… hey… it’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it. I'm not mad at you so there's nothing to forgive. I'm just worried about you, the other day you were obviously really upset about something and, the fact that that something is something you don’t feel like you can tell me scares me.” They sit in silence for a few minutes, the only sound being Dongpyo’s soft crying, until Seungwoo speaks again, “Are you depressed or sick? Did you do something bad? Did someone hurt you? I keep imagining all these horrible things that it might be. The only thing I want is for you to trust me enough to tell me so I can help you. Whatever it is, I promise that it won’t change anything about how I see you. I love you like a little brother now and I’ll love you later too.”

The younger pulls away slightly and wipes away the tears from his cheeks, sniffing, “What if I killed someone or I hurt someone?”

“I really doubt that you did either of those things, you're too small and cute to ever hurt anyone. But I would still love you.”

“What if I hate another member or something?”

“Well, I would want to know why, but we could work it out. And I would still love you.”

“What if I want to quit X1?”

“I really, really hope that you don’t want to do that because we need you in this group and I love you so much that I need you in my life.”

He wiggles closer to the broad chest he’s resting against, “Don’t worry too much hyung, I don’t want to leave… and I don’t hate anyone.”

He thinks that maybe now is the time if there's anyone he can tell it’s his Seungwoo hyung, he let him say all those horrible things and still loves him. He can love him through this too right? And he thinks that maybe he needs to tell someone, needs to get it out somehow because keeping it in is like burning alive and he's constantly chocking on the ashes whenever he’s with the people he cares about. So he says it, his voice barely above a whisper, “Would you still love me if I liked boys?”

The arms around his waist tighten, the older boy knows that this was it, this was what scared his figurative son, “I would 100%, without a doubt, would still love you.”

“Really?” The word ends with a high-pitched crack.

“Of course, that’s not something that I care about, it doesn’t change who you are to me.”

Dongpyo pulls away completely and looks at his leader, trying to find some hint of deception on his face and being met with only a soft smile that makes tears gather in his eyes again. His voice trembles when he speaks, “Do you promise?”

Seungwoo brings his hands up and cups Dongpyo’s cheeks, wiping away a stray tear, “I promise you that you being gay, or bi, or whatever label you choose, will not stop me from caring about and loving you. Nothing can take away my little brother.”

He leans his head back into Seungwoo’s shoulder and lets himself go, the tears seemingly unstoppable once again.

“It’s okay, you're okay. Let it out baby, just let it out,” the owner of a now soaked shoulder says, voice soft as he rubs the crying boy’s back. For the first time Dongpyo is crying out of relief, relief that there's someone who will still love him after they know this. Relief that there's someone other than himself that knows this, that he’s finally been able to get it off his chest, its like a weight had been lifted.

They stay like this until Dongpyo has run out of tears and is left sniffling. He pulls back and moves out of Seungwoo’s lap to sit next to him, leaning against the wall.

“You must be so scared of telling anyone this, thank you for trusting me.” Seungwoo reaches out to hold his hand.

“I've always been so scared of someone knowing,” he pauses and looks away, “I don’t want anyone to hate me.”

“None of us would ever hate you for this. ”

Dongpyo snaps his head to look at him, “I don’t want to tell anyone else please, please don’t make me.”

“Hey,” Seungwoo tucks Dongpyo’s hair behind his ear, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can go the rest of your life without ever telling another person, I'm not going to be the person who makes you do that.”

“Thank you hyung,” they sit side-by-side, silent, for a few minutes.

“I think its time we went back to the dorm.”

“Don’t we still have another hour of practice scheduled?”

“Yes, but I'm the leader and I think that if we went back right now it would distract the others more and we wouldn’t be top of our game because I don’t know about you but not talking for the past week has been really draining.”

“It was really hard for me too… I'm sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to ruin things like that.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. I'm not angry at you, not at all.”

They walk back to the dorm, Dongpyo’s hand dwarfed by Seungwoo’s. The warmth of their intertwined fingers making Dongpyo want to cry again, reminding him of the warmth even just Seungwoo’s presence gave him. Looking at him now he couldn’t believe he had really thought that his hyung would hate him, Seungwoo probably didn’t have a single hateful bone in his body.

When they're back at the dorm, laying in Seungwoo’s bed, with the smaller boy’s head resting on Seungwoo’s chest, the leader texts the group chat to let the remaining members know they had gone home.

**Seungwoo-hyung’s Fan clubTM**

_LeaderTM_

Dongpyo and I went back to the dorm early

You guys should finish practice without us

_Woodz_

Is everything okay now then?

Did he stop crying?

_LeaderTM _

Yeah we talked about it and everything should go back to normal

_Cutie _

@Woodz why would you expose me like this

_Visual _

We all knew you were crying, we could hear you when you ran out of the practice room.

_Cutie_

Oh…

I’m sorry I caused a scene

_Giant Baby _

It’s okay hyung!!! We’re just worried

_Crybaby_

Yeah! Are you okay now?

_Cutie _

I think so… thank you for worrying

_Woodz_

You don’t need to thank us for caring about you

You’re our member and our friend

We love you, of course we’re gonna worry

_Cutie_

I love you guys too

“I’m not telling you you should tell them, but think about it. If it’s something that you think is going to make you as stressed as you have been this past week then maybe it’s best you do. Their opinion of you won’t change, they all love you the same way I do.”

“Okay hyung… I’ll think about it,” he scoots closer to the leader, “Can we go to sleep now?”

“Yeah… good night Dongpyo. I love you.”

“I love you too hyung,” Dongpyo falls asleep that night feeling lighter than he had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it!   
If anyone wants to read it I might write another chapter where he tells the rest of the group so let me know if you would be interested!

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, it's like 2 am and also I have no beta.
> 
> Chapter 2 should be up soon!


End file.
